anger management...

anger... an intense emotion you can't predict when it will take over you.

the past 2 weeks, i had my share of this kind of emotion. usually, anger manifests in me through fits of depression, self-isolation... i become passive at times. i tend no to speak to anyone... fearing that i may say something i'll regret afterwards. heck even smiling can be a struggle! i hate feeling this way, but i have to at least acknowledge it , else this will eat me up inside.

where is this coming from? nah, never mind... dont want to write that in here... i just dont want to remember it anymore if i ever read this blog entry again.

this will pass... i'll be back with my normal (or so i think??? haha!) self again...

of death & existence...

"...as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." - Epicurus, philosopher

time travel... 6 yrs ago... i saw how my grandma suffered on her deathbed till she gave out her last breath. my mom was leaning beside her, trying to hold on. she cried her heart out. everyone else around me was crying, i dared not to. although i felt a big lump on my throat. i guess i was just trying to be strong for the whole family. but deep inside my heart was bleeding... i was given the chance to say goodbye to my grandma, i leaned in closer to her & whispered, "i know you're really tired... you may go now, we will be ok, i promise. i love you." Then i gave my mom a warm hug and told her, "it's her time, let her go now." i may have sounded selfish that time, but i know my grandma would have wanted it that way. death came for her, she no longer exists, but i know she's free...

someone asked me once, "are you afraid of death?" such a weird question coming from someone i barely knew. "no im not afraid of death," was my reply. that was an honest answer. i used to connect death with fear but i dont fear death itself. i fear for the ones i'll be leaving behind, the ones who have somehow been touched by my existence, one way or another. i fear that they may forget...