braincells not working...

can't think of anything to write on my report... it must be because my mind is somewhere else... i wish i was back home... add to the fact that it's sunday today. oh well! i've written something this morning, just cant seem to add anything more...

got to sleep for now... maybe tomorrow my brain cells will return to their normal functions... i hope! harhar!

btw, i think (or is it more like i feel?) that im getting over that kinda something now... go figure! Ü

isa pang pagninilay-nilay...

kagaya ng nauna dito na isinulat ko, hindi ko na ulit isasalin sa wikang ingles ang naisulat kong saloobin at pagninilay-nilay...

hindi ko alam kung saan ko ilulugar ang sarili ko dito sa mundong ito. hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko. Ang alam ko lang, gusto kong mabuhay ng panatag ang loob. sa ganung sitwasyon ko siguro masasabi at mararamdaman na masaya nga ako.

may topak nga yata ako sa ulo. maski ang sarili ko ay hindi ko maintindihan kung minsan. maraming bumabagabag sa aking isipan. iba ang inilalatag sa akin ng tadhana... kunsabagay, hindi naman maaring lahat ng mga gusto mo ay pwedeng mangyari.

sabi nila sa buhay daw OO at HINDI lang naman ang sagot. sa likod ng bawat desisyon na ginagawa ng bawat isa, marami ka pang dapat pag-isipan at timbangin. para sa mga taong matatapang ang loob, lahat ng pagsulong ay gagawin, yung wala bang masyadong iniisip pa. para naman sa iba, ang makuntento sa kanilang kalagayan ay sapat na.

nasa gitna ako... at dito ako nahihirapan. magulo ba at mahirap intindihin ang sinasabi ko? siguro nga...

isang pagninilay-nilay

isusulat ko dito kung paano ko ito isinulat sa isang kapirasong papel habang ako ay nasa bundok at nag-iisa, diretso sa tagalog. hindi ko na isasalin sa wikang ingles...

paano mo nga ba babaguhin ang isang tao sa nakasanayan nya? paano ba makitungo?

bata pa lang ako, alam kong hindi ako pala-halubilo sa mga tao. Sanay akong mag-isa kadalasan. kung ilagay mo ako sa isang grupo, may isa o dalawa lamang akong pagtitiwalaan, yung kaya ko bang kwentuhan ng mga personal na bagay sa buhay ko. yung mga kakausapin, siguro madalang lang. Kung ako ay hindi gaanong ka-interesado sa mga nakikilala ko, ayokong aksayahin ang panahon ng isa't-isa upang makipag-kunwarian lamang.

Mas pinipili kong manahimik kung wala naman akong mahalagang sasabihin at kung wala naman din lang maidudulot sa aking mabuti. Madalas ang pananahimik ko ay napagkakamalang kawalan ko ng interes o di kaya ay kasungitan. Mas gusto ko kasi na makinig...

iilan lamang ang mga taong pwede kong masabi na kilala ang tunay kong pagkatao. Sila yung mga taong kahit hindi ako magsalita ay alam kong naiintindihan nila ang aking nararamdaman.
Madali akong mapa-iyak, madali din naman akong mapatawa. Ang mahirap lamang sa pakikitungo sa akin ay kung bibigyan mo ako ng kahit isang dahilan upang magalit. yan ang ugaling aking pinakaka-iwasan. ayoko ng kaaway o kagalit. mahirap magtiwala muli...

for the kids at heart...

what do you remember & miss doing most when you were a kid?

when i was a kid (around 5 yrs old till i reach my teens), i usually spend afternoons watching the clouds. back at the old house where we stayed, when i dont want to play outside and i would get annoyed with the noise of the world, i would lie down at the window sill and gaze at the clouds above. i find solace during those times. i look at the clouds and form different creatures in my head: cuddly bears, angels, dogs, cats, etc. i even imagine what form God must have taken behind those clouds.

when we moved to another place, i learned to watch the stars during night time. forming figures in my head again, thinking how many people are there who make wishes upon the stars. i was one of them... hehehe! then i got older, i stopped doing that, stopped the wishing too and woke up to reality.

if only i could turn back time and return to those days when life was still simple...

for the kids at heart, this is for you... i can only take you as far as you would like this song to take you to... http://lyndsybart.multiply.com/music/item/63

"i wish i could be..."

"Every Little Thing"
by Dishwalla

Let me in, to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come, I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are?
too late to change…

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time… sometimes

Lift me up, just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the ground
see all come, you say you’re all right
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away… gone away
will you find out who you are?
too late to change…

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
everything you wanted, all the time…

Don't give me up… don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all… salvation
’coz when you find out who you are,
too late to change…

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
every little thing you wanted, all the time, this time…
every little thing little thing you wanted, all the time…

But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away…

Being so Not for You

la lang.. i just find the lyrics of this song nice... medyo naka-relate ako. hahaha! i know this song way back from the 90's era (my high school days). PM Dawn's songs are more of the R&B kind, this one especially. Great lyrics, great music too!

==========================================
I Had no Right (Being so Not for You)
by PM Dawn

Why can't i keep you from the cold
Seem to know the different faces
No matter what road you travel on
You go through the darkest places
I can't tell the angels it'll be good for you
But wanting to say blessed be the darkness
For bringing the life through
But I'd be lying to myself...
I had no right bringing you here
Knowing what i know, feeling the way I feel
I had no right being so uncontented
Being so confused, Being so not for you

You're in love with all that you don't know
It animates your expectations
But what's the easiest way to hurt a man
Give him all he's ever wanted
Trying to tell the angels i don't know what to do
While convincing myself to believe
All the sadness have purpose too
Makes me hate this...
I had no right bringing you here
Knowing what i know, feeling the way i feel
I had no right being so uncontented,
Being so confused, Being so not for you

And when you asked the angels to
Make you a better you
Dream all you want
Cause all the light you occupy
They will try and take it all from you
I had no right bringing you here
Knowing what i know, feeling the way i feel
I had no right being so uncontented,
Being so confused, BEING SO NOT FOR YOU...

anger management...

anger... an intense emotion you can't predict when it will take over you.

the past 2 weeks, i had my share of this kind of emotion. usually, anger manifests in me through fits of depression, self-isolation... i become passive at times. i tend no to speak to anyone... fearing that i may say something i'll regret afterwards. heck even smiling can be a struggle! i hate feeling this way, but i have to at least acknowledge it , else this will eat me up inside.

where is this coming from? nah, never mind... dont want to write that in here... i just dont want to remember it anymore if i ever read this blog entry again.

this will pass... i'll be back with my normal (or so i think??? haha!) self again...

of death & existence...

"...as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." - Epicurus, philosopher

time travel... 6 yrs ago... i saw how my grandma suffered on her deathbed till she gave out her last breath. my mom was leaning beside her, trying to hold on. she cried her heart out. everyone else around me was crying, i dared not to. although i felt a big lump on my throat. i guess i was just trying to be strong for the whole family. but deep inside my heart was bleeding... i was given the chance to say goodbye to my grandma, i leaned in closer to her & whispered, "i know you're really tired... you may go now, we will be ok, i promise. i love you." Then i gave my mom a warm hug and told her, "it's her time, let her go now." i may have sounded selfish that time, but i know my grandma would have wanted it that way. death came for her, she no longer exists, but i know she's free...

someone asked me once, "are you afraid of death?" such a weird question coming from someone i barely knew. "no im not afraid of death," was my reply. that was an honest answer. i used to connect death with fear but i dont fear death itself. i fear for the ones i'll be leaving behind, the ones who have somehow been touched by my existence, one way or another. i fear that they may forget...

summer time...summer blues

been a long time since my last post...

it's summer time here, and the temperature's getting really high...yet somehow i feel like dark clouds have been following me everytime. summer na summer pero bumabagyo sa buhay ko. hay layp!

anyways, wala lang ako magawa. wala din ako maisip na ikwento sa ngayon...

the soap opera in my life...

(sigh!)

i am not really fond of watching soaps on tv, as i have much drama in my life already. God must have been playing this big joke on me, and i dont know when He will stop. i got the joke, but im not laughing. in fact, i've been crying every so often. (sigh!)

passenger seat...

here's some of my encounters/observations being a passenger on fellow passengers:

i boarded a plane weeks ago for Bacolod. i went in that part of the Visayas region for a field work. so, there I was on the plane. my seat was 8A. i chose a window seat so i won't get bothered by other seatmates who like to move around inside the plane too much. a friendly couple (a balikbayan lola & her foreigner husband) were already seated at row 8. they were all smiles at me, i smiled back. the lady said she & her husband were glad that it was a girl & a petite one who got the seat beside them. apparently, they don't like those big guys who like to move around & occupy the armsrests as if they reserved the row for them exclusively. the lady got me into a small talk. she asked me what am i going to negros for, what school am i attending. i told her im working already & im going there for work. she was a bit surprised to find out i wasn't that young anymore. hehe! anyways, she didn't bother to ask how old i was. as i was too sleepy that time, i caught a few zzz's, thank god she got the cue that i really did not want to talk long.

going back to manila, i was seated at 24F, window seat again of course. there was an empty seat between me & and a 40-ish guy. i greeted him a good morning & smiled, he smirked. what a jerk! maybe he was having a bad day, i thought. as the plane was still boarding more passengers, he was quite loud talking on the cellphone, making calls every so often. the plane is about to take off and he was still using his phone! the flight attendant already advised him to turn it off, but he ignored it. he was not having a bad day, he really is a big jerk! i was observing him as he read the newspaper handed by flight attendants to passengers. he turned every page, every section of the broadsheet (which may consist of a hundred pages or so) afterwhich he did not fold it promptly. he just dumped it on the empty seat between us. how inconsiderate! there may be other passengers who want to read the newspaper too. grrrr! i wanted to give him a slap on his face.

few days after...back in manila. im back riding a bus going to & from work. my morning ride became quite an annoying one. why can't some people bear to take a little walk to get to their destinations? duh! there was this lady who wanted to get off the bus after the designated stop. the bus only took off a few seconds from the designated stop, it wasn't that fast. the lady kept on shouting at the driver to stop. the driver didnt as we were in the middle of the road already. why didn't she get off the bus when it was time to in the first place? duh??? i call this "door-to-door" passenger syndrome - those kind who wanted public tranports to stop whenever & wherever they want to. a little walk won't hurt, unless you're crippled or pregnant.

another bus ride incident... i was seated at the window seat. the seat was supposed to occupy three people. so i squeezed in as much as i can near the window to let the other 2 people beside me be a little comfortable. but i guess the man seated beside me became too much comfortable! grrrr! he was leaning on to me too much, i felt like he was doing it deliberately. lintek, manyak! bwiset!

palawan escapade journal - day 3: the wedding, & the days after that

and so to continue with my so-called vacation out of town...

day 3, 28th of december 2005. wedding day of ces & jing. last minute details have been taken cared of (or so we think?)

anyways... i wore a dress of course as i was part of the entourage. rarely u will see me wear something so "lady-like". hehe! not that i hate wearing girly-dresses. im just not comfortable, im not the girly-type. in my adult life, i can name the few times that i HAVE to wear one: college graduation, my brother's wedding (which i want to forget!), and this wedding.

of course, when i get married myself, i'd like to wear the most beautiful wedding dress i can think of. that is if ever i get married! hahaha!

so much for this...the following days were spent sight-seeing, outing on the beach & eating!!! Ü

in limbo...

that's the way i've been in for the past 3 months at work, in limbo. the transfer i was hoping for will not materialize. i finally accepted that it won't happen. not here, not now. somebody seems to hate me that much. i don't know why. was it karma? was it bad luck?

just to ask my current boss for permission to transfer caused me a lot of stress, and now, it has caused me shame. last week, i was asked for updates, so my boss can get a replacement for me as soon as possible, i was not able to give any clear answer. they have placed a job opening ad on the internet, i think it meant my application was denied. And i was not planning to tell the world about it. it's a shame on my part. oh, i just did, here in my blog! good thing that the people concerned dont know my blog address. haha!

i hoped & prayed for it, but then again, maybe HE has other plans for me.

purpose...

this quote was sent to my email yesterday, i just thought this makes sense. ok sa timing eto kahapon nung mabasa ko kasi i was feeling depressed & frustrated about my life. haaay! minsan tuloy naiisip ko ano nga ba ang purpose ng existence ko sa mundong ito? am i such a bad person not to deserve a bit of happiness? :-(

"Whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes round the world; when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more; and when you stomp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond; and whenever you're sad, no one anywhere can be really happy. And it's much the same thing with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer." - Norton Juster, "The Phantom Tollbooth"

my palawan escapade journal - day 2

December 27 - day 2 of my palawan escapade. mid-morning, we've gone for a bay cruise on board a medium-sized boat. we had lunch on the boat, several kinds of seafood & a huge lobster was served! (yum!yum! ang sarap! sorry na lang cecile & jermaine, di ko alam controversial pala ang lobster na yun! hahaha! may utang tuloy kami sa inyo. Ü)

our afternoon was spent for church rehearsal. we were late for the 3pm practice so we had to wait till 5pm. a wedding ceremony was about to start that time, we opted to stay & observe. the bride starts to walk down the aisle & lo & behold! a tagalog soap opera theme song was playing on the background for her bridal march! (ipaglalaban ko ang ating pag-ibig! maghintay ka lamang at ako'y darating... - theme from "Ang Panday" soap pera) pwede pala yun 'no? i find it amusing. hehehe!

by the way, i managed to take some pics during our bay cruise though it was a cloudy day.

sa likod ng mga ulap -1

sa likod ng mga ulap -2

evening came, the soon-to-be wed couple spent some time with us for dinner to talk about some things which need follow-ups since they won't be able to attend to those things anymore during the wedding day itself. eto kami (clockwise: Cecile - the bride, Vien, Weng, Jermaine - the groom, Jayjay, Fat & ME!)

dinner time at Badjao Seafood restaurant (trying out the food which will be served for the wedding reception)

my palawan escapade journal - day 1

pls bear with the details...hehe! ganito lang talaga ako mag-kwento...

December 26 '05 - panic attacks!!! it's past 12 midnight & i have not packed anything yet for my trip! got home late from a Christmas celebration at my aunt's place. being a semi-OC (that's right! i confess! i have a semi-condition of being an obsessive-compulsive!), i carefully laid out all the clothes i might be using for the duration of my "palawan escapade". for each day, a different set of clothes were folded and tucked into my suitcase. hehe! i even have a checklist, so that i won't leave out anything. i packed another bag for the camera & other stuffs that did not fit in my suitcase. all my bags are packed and im ready to go...(leaving on a jet plane song plays at the back of my mind). i finished packing at 3am. i felt really sleepy that time, and set my alarm clock at 530am. the alarm goes off! i think I accidentally pressed the snooze button and overslept until 630 am. panic mode again! im supposed to be at the airport 2 hours before my 915am flight. i still have to buy other stuffs & fill the car with gas. my brother drove me to the airport, we got there 8am. there was a long queue outside, i was worried im not gonna be able to make it. i got in line, it was starting to rain. syet! naiihi na ko sa kaba na hindi makasakay sa eroplano!!! i got inside at 830am & found out that most of the passengers on queue were leaving for Boracay. the counter for the Palawan flight wasnt really full. i checked in my luggage and waited for boarding time. the flight was a bit late. the plane took off past 930am. i dozed off as soon as i was seated (sleepyhead!), i was in dreamland when loud cries from little babies bellowed inside the plane. i was seated beside a lady with a baby on her lap. the baby was fiddling with my arm, maybe he was trying to have a playtime with me. i made funny faces at him, not to scare him, just so he would leave me. maybe the baby mistook me for a clown and continued to smile at me. oh well, at least he was not crying anymore.

11am - arrived safely in palawan. before i forget, the purpose of this trip is to attend Cecile & Jermaine's wedding. (more about them on a different journal entry). they fetched me from the airport, took me to Kuya Doy's (Cecile's big bro) place to have breakfast before i get settled at an inn. there, i met the couple's families. parang fiesta. hehe! special mention goes to Hannah, that cute little kid who's a carbon copy of Ces in more ways than i thought.

past 12 noon- after having lunch at Kuya Doy's (Thank you Kuya Doy sa food preps. sarap ng pagkain!), we went on a city tour. the weather was not cooperative at that time, what a spoiler! anyways, we went to see the butterfly farm (the butterflies were out of sight because of the rain); the Iwahig Penal colony (bought some stuffs made by the inmates from the souvenir shop); Viet village (which was already abandoned since all of the Vietnamese refugees who used to live there migrated to the US as part of their retribution for the post-Vietnam war victims); Sta. Monica ranch (owned by the political clan of the Mitras, this place kinda reminded me of Tagaytay); and Bakers Hill (again, somehow looked like a place i've seen in Tagaytay). baked goodies here are yummy (specially the ensaimadas) and not so expensive.

past 630 pm - dinner time! we had a sumptuous meal of crabs, sweet & sour and grilled fish at Kuya Doy's. no gimik night for now. im a bit tired and had to rest early. or maybe it's being busog that's why i feel sleepy. hehe!